Diary of a Broken Heart
by K9 Block
Summary: Starring David Tennant as Dave. What happens when Mum suddenly dies leaving Dad to bring up 4 children? The show leapt forward 10 weeks, what happened in those 10 weeks? This is Dave's diary.
1. Chapter 1

This is quite short at just 7 chapters.

It is about the BBC TV programme Single Father starring David Tennant in the title role as Dave.  
Dave's partner Rita is killed suddenly in a road traffic accicent leaving him to bring up 4 children alone.  
The TV programme jumped from the day Rita died to 10 weeks later and I got to wondering what happened in those 10 weeks.  
I've written it in diary form, as if Dave is recounting his days, as a record for him and the children as to how they survived.

Diary of a Broken Heart

Chapter One

It's the day after my love died.

I wrote that in her diary, her diary that has become my diary, my refuge if you like. Do men even write diaries? I don't care I'm writing one. Yesterday's entry was short, *Today at two minutes past two my love died.*

I didn't chronicle what happened yesterday beyond those nine words and maybe I should. Maybe the children will want to know how we survived. IF we survive. So I'll begin by writing down what happened after I arrived at school.

The teachers words hit me like a sledgehammer all I can remember now is falling on to a chair and it was too small, too low, but it was there.

When I realised I wasn't going to immediately pass out I remembered I had children and I told them that Lucy wasn't really mine but she called me Dad. That wasn't the time for secrets. Lucy knew of course, Rita had never lied to her about that but she had also never told anyone who Lucy's father was, and until now it hadn't mattered. Now of course it did. Would those in authority let me keep her? Would she want to stay with us? I hoped she would as I loved her as if she was my own but she wasn't and I'd never even thought to adopt her, in my heart she was my daughter so why did I need a piece of paper to prove it?

Sarah drove us home that day. She was as much in shock as I was and I asked her to stay with the children while I went to collect Lucy from band practise. As soon as she saw me she knew. She always walked home after the practise session so why was I there? And I imagine I didn't look my best when I arrived. We didn't speak. I think she wanted me to hold her but I didn't. I regret that now but I regret a lot of things now so one more won't matter.

I regret going to football the day before she died. A ninety minute game. Ninety minutes that I could have spent with her. Plus of course the travelling, changing, showering, drying, dressing… So much time that I could have had with her.

Now stop it Dave, this is not helping and you are supposed to be chronicling what happened for the children.

Once we were all home the police arrived. Oh they were so very apologetic but basically kids they murdered your Mother. Oh they didn't mean to… It had been an accident. An accident that they had struck her, despite the fact she was wearing her fluorescent body band, and it was broad daylight, and they'd gone through a red light. It was an accident that her body had struck their windscreen so hard as to shatter it and catapult her in to the air and deposit her dead and broken on the ground. No one had meant to kill her… But she was still dead. And now they wanted me to identify her body…

For Christ's sake WHY?

They had already identified her from her belongings. But no Sir, suddenly I'm a Sir, no it's a formality, a legal requirement, and we have to take you to witness at first hand what we did to her. So I got in the back of their car and they drove me, sedately I noticed, to the hospital and I was taken in a lift to the basement and the morgue.

There was no ceremony. I was taken to a locked drawer, it was opened and I was asked is this your partner? It was and I whispered an affirmative. I was offered a chair, I don't remember replying but I felt one pressing the back of my knees and I sank in to it. She looked like she was asleep, there was barely a mark on her but she had a gown on and I'm guessing her body beneath that will have been bruised but I don't know; I had been told she had died instantly so was there time for blood to be pumped to pool under her skin?

I remember wanting to touch her and I asked if I could which strikes me only now as bizarre; I actually asked permission to touch my own life partner. I took one of her hands in both of mine. She was so cold and I held it until my body heat had warmed her. Later I turned her hand and kissed her palm… all the while I was aware of being watched and when I finally rose to leave her I pressed my lips to hers for one last time.

When we left the room I was handed a carrier bag with your Mum's helmet and clothing in. A plastic bag that contained everything she had been that day. A Teaching Assisitant who hoped to be a trainee teacher on her way to a maths exam. She'd have passed it you know? I can't say she'd have aced it but she would have passed...

I don't remember the journey home I just remember Sarah opening the door to me. The house was full by now… some of Rita's family had arrived, Anna was there and my first wife Michelle. I could hear Anna questioning why Michelle was there but I wasn't interested. You children had all peeled off to your rooms and I wanted the solitude of mine it was then that I wrote for the first time in her diary.

I tried to sleep and couldn't, the house was quiet but there were still adults downstairs and it was then that I left to ride the bike.

I still hadn't shed a tear and I was afraid that maybe I never would so I rode… fast. Very fast… Until I got noticed. The police pulled me up and all but ordered me off the bike. I didn't get off and I was hauled off… Roughly but I didn't feel it. I was numb. I hadn't *felt* anything for hours. Then I heard them say my name David Michael Tiler and then a hush fell over the officers. They whispered amongst themselves and left me.

They just left me by the roadside; and then I wept.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

I've no idea how long I sat there on the intersection I remember kicking at the loose gravel as I cried. Cried, what an insubstantial word. It doesn't quite cover what I was doing. I was railing at the whole world and everyone still in it because my soul mate was gone.

Eventually the cold seeped in to my bones and I had to go home. Several cars had slowed to peer at me one man had even pulled over and asked if I needed a lift home. All I did was point at my bike and shake my head at him and he left me as well.

Michelle was still at the house when I got home. Everyone else had gone and despite how our marriage had ended it was true that she knew me well and she knew that I didn't need any fuss. She handed me a cup of sweet tea and watched while I drank it and then she sent me to bed. That was the right thing to do because tomorrow which is now today of course she knew that all of you would need as much of me as I had to give.

This morning when I woke up I remember stretching out to look for your Mum and then I remembered. For just a few delightful seconds everything had been normal. I tried to go back to sleep again. I wanted more seconds like those ones but sleep wouldn't come, all I felt was empty and then I realised I was empty. Physically empty. I hadn't had anything to eat since lunch yesterday and a few cups of sweet tea really weren't doing a whole lot for me.

I got up, washed, shaved and dressed. When I went downstairs I found Michelle in the kitchen. I asked her if she'd stayed all night and she nodded and added that Anna and Rita's Mother would be back to discuss funeral arrangements with me later.

Sighing I sat down at the kitchen table and she put a plate full of hot buttered toast in front of me before saying,

"Eat and I'll go when they get here. I heard Anna yesterday and I want you to know I don't have any hidden agenda. I just knew I needed to be here yesterday. I know you and I knew it was only a matter of time before you took off on the bike."

I don't remember what I said or even eating but I must have because when I looked again the plate was empty and she was standing up to answer the door that had just been knocked. She let Anna and Beattie in and excused herself. Anna was so cross that she had stayed here all night she made a lewd suggestion and I left the room. That was when I went back upstairs and you all found me leaning on the banister. Do you remember? I wanted to cry but wouldn't let myself because you were all there and then Evie said that you boys had cried and so had she so I was allowed to as well. And I did and you all hugged me while I did and then your Aunt appeared and do you remember what she said?  
I remember, the words are burned in to my soul, she said,

"For Christ sake Dave the children need you to be strong and they should be in school too."

Yeah that would be helpful; send you to school when you can barely cross the room without weeping. I went downstairs and there they were, seated at the kitchen table and wanting to discuss readings and hymns and what wood the coffin should be made of. I wasn't very well behaved I'm afraid and I told them to organise it and tell me when it was and that I'd make sure the five of us were there. And you know what, they did, and it's next Friday and I have had no input but I don't care, not one little bit. We will all be there and we'll watch, and listen to the readings and maybe even sing the hymns; but I don't care and I doubt you care what wood they place her in before they lower her in to the ground.

Now I wonder what we should all wear to the funeral. I have a dark suit but should I buy a new one for my partner's funeral? You boys, Paul and Ewan you don't have suits and Evie do little girls wear black? Lucy I know most of your wardrobe is made up of greys and blacks but should you have something new for your Mum's funeral? I just don't know. I'll have to ask you all and then we will have to go shopping if that is what you want.

School, when should you all go back to school? Lucy you are in Year 9. That's an important year, the start of your Standard Grades and how well you do in those will affect the Highers you can take so you shouldn't miss too much school but how can I ask you to go back now? Paul, Ewan and Evie, will you do better with your friends than here with me? And then me. When should I go back to work?


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Well work isn't on my mind today but I guess in maybe a week I will go back to it and try and encourage babies to smile and families to look happy…

Today is Friday and it's the day we bury your Mother and the love of my life…

Lucy I know you will look lovely; you have your Mother's beauty and her poise and grace. Paul and Ewan the suits we bought together look stunning, as Paul said we three look very much like the *Men in Black* now if only I had a flashy thing to make us all forget the last 10 days. Beattie says we look very handsome and that Rita would be proud of us. Then there is you Evie; my beautiful wee girl who is wearing a black taffeta party dress minus the tiara. Not even Anna could find anything more suitable for a 5 year old lass to wear to her Mother's funeral. Tanya and Samuel will be there too. Quite what Samuel will look like in his tiny black suit is anyone's guess but he'll be there and he'll want me to be Granddad so I'll try.

This is supposed to be a day where we celebrate Rita's life but I don't know if I can do that. I celebrate all that she was in you four children but how can I put that in to words? I don't think I'm expected to speak at the service and the only requirement I stated was that you children wouldn't have to either unless you wanted to and you Lucy, the girl I wish was truly my daughter too, you so bravely asked to be allowed to read a passage. I know you'll make me proud and your Mum too.

We'll get through the service but what I'm really dreading is when everyone comes back here for the wake. I know that Beattie, Anna, Michelle and Sarah have cleaned and scrubbed and polished until down there gleams, and I know that when we get back the caterers will be here to serve finger foods and a buffet that I suspect we will be eating for days after as well.

What are we meant to do while everyone is here? Mingle? Tell amusing anecdotes? Sit morosely and glare at everyone until they leave? I really don't know and I'm just hoping that no one stays too long. I just want to be left alone with my memories or with you four and yours.

Memories, that makes me think of the night last week when we dug through the box of old photographs and you all choose a photo of Mum for your bedrooms. That was great, we even all laughed. I'd almost forgotten what you all sound like when you laugh but once again and for a few minutes the house rang with laughter again until we all seemed to remember what we were doing and stopped.

Hanging the photos was good too. I enjoyed finding the right frames and just the right spot. I enjoyed it so much that after you had all gone to bed I went around the house and took down all the abstracts, all the landscape pictures we had on the walls and replaced them with photos of Mum. In some of them we are with her too but in a lot of them it's just her. It's comforting to see her in almost every room. Well it comforts me and as none of you has said different for now I'll choose to believe they comfort you as well.

I didn't hang one in any of the bathrooms. I told myself it was because I didn't want the steam to spoil the photographs but really it's because I don't want her watching me when I'm in the shower. I'm still a man, and I still have needs, and I don't want her watching me do that. Note to self, *Dave censor that part when you show this to the kids.*

I need to go now, it's time to leave. I'll come back and write more afterwards.

-

It's hours later and the house is quiet at last. You are all in bed again and we have laid your Mum to rest.

Lucy you were magnificent. I couldn't have stood up there in the pulpit and at the lectern and have done what you did today. If Rita was present at any of today's events she was beaming as she watched you take your turn. My boys you were so brave too and Evie you were a joy, it's in no way a lie to say I could not have done it without you all.

Even back here you four kept me going and Tanya too of course, but this diary isn't for her. She has Michelle still. This diary is for you four, my four fixed corners in a world full of misplaced angles and shapes now that we have lost our anchor through the sea of life.

And so I find myself at last in bed and writing in her diary that has become mine. I've found myself flicking through the last few pages she wrote. I've read snatches and some words have leapt off the page at me. It still doesn't feel quite right to read it all yet but I do remember my promise, even though it was wrung from me, to get you kids a dog. As I recall it was to be a rescue dog, and I know I said a wee one with batteries but we will get a dog, and yes it will be a wee one but no it won't have batteries. A promise is a promise even now. Maybe even more so now. After all, if I'm all you've got I can't start going back on my promises now can I?


	4. Chapter 4

It's Saturday and in a few more days after a home visit we will bring home the very wee dog we selected today from the animal shelter.

She hasn't got a name or batteries. She was found wandering the streets and as she had no collar or micro chip she has no name. Can you believe that? They actually micro chip animals? I suppose it makes sense if they are lost or stolen but it still seems barbaric to me to stick a metal chip in an animal's neck to make your claim to ownership of him or her. She doesn't have a name but she does now have a micro chip registering her to the animal shelter and if we get to keep her I will have to re register her as ours and we will have to name her; we can't very well call her dog, as she is being referred to at the moment, forever now can we?

I must say that today did provide a welcome distraction and for a few hours I think we all enjoyed ourselves. Evie you'd have bought home every dog in the shelter but we had to choose just one, and the wee Jack Russell we selected did look so very winsome in her run, and as Ewan said she did jump the highest when we ambled by.

I'm almost scared that we won't pass the inspection now. What if they say no? I promised you a dog. But we have a good sized back garden and the house although not spotless isn't filthy. It's lived in, comfortable and we like it, plus it has wooden floors. Now I know they said she was house trained but I still think if you bring a wee traumatised dog in to a new environment it's going to well, wee a few times in the wrong place isn't it? At least we will be able to mop up any mistakes she makes.

Well they aren't coming till Monday which leaves me all day tomorrow to try and tidy up a bit.

Monday… Is it too soon to send you back to school? I suppose I need to ask you all directly but Lucy I think you need to go back and be with your friends, they can probably help you more than I can right now and perhaps your school work will be a welcome distraction.

Paul, Ewan and Evie… At least you'll all be together in the same place and your friends will be there and your teachers… I just don't know if I'm up to taking you all back yet, not there. If I'd found out anywhere else… but there. But this is just me being selfish of course I need to just do it. I don't have to go inside… you boys take yourselves in anyway and Evie I just deliver you to the line don't I? Well we'll talk about it tomorrow, see what you all want and take it from there I guess.

Sunday

So tomorrow you all go back to school.

You all wanted to. Well all accept you Evie. You wanted to stay at home and hold my hand until I smile… but I smiled for you and was obviously convincing enough as you agreed to go back as well.

I've written in your school planner Lucy and given them my mobile number and asked to be informed of any issues that will inevitably arise.

Paul and Ewan you have notes in your homework diaries saying the same and Evie I will give Sarah my details when I drop you at the line in the morning.

As for me Tanya has said she will be able to hold the fort at work for a while longer and tomorrow, after the dog inspection, I thought I might try and tackle your Mum's wardrobe.

That's what today was all about. You've all chosen something from in there to keep, and now that you have done that I need to start trying to pack some of her things away. Not because I want to forget her or pack her away but because I want to be able to pull the curtain across and not look at it every time I am in my bedroom.

It's all as she left it still… and she was in a hurry when she left the house for school. The drawers are open, that red dress she so loved is still hanging at the front and I just need to be able to shut it away until I can find the courage to clear it all away little by little.

I also need to sort and go through her jewellery. Actually that might be easier as we are keeping every single item she owned. One day it will belong to you all. Lucy and Evie I hope you will understand that Paul and Ewan should be able to have some of it as well. Maybe one day they will want to give it to a special woman in their lives; but of course my two girls, most of Mum's jewellery will be saved for you. Perhaps one day you will want to wear some of it; or maybe you will just want to have it to hold. Whatever you choose I promise it will be here for you.

I just hope our courage holds.

Tomorrow will be a big day.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

I couldn't do it.

I failed.

You kids didn't fail though. Lucy you were up and dressed and downstairs in your uniform before 7am. Your bag was packed and you quietly got your own breakfast while I tore around the house trying to make lunches and get everyone fed. Might be easier if you all had school dinners for a while. I'll have to ask you all what you think of that idea tomorrow. School dinners… What are they even like nowadays? Are they still stodgy messes or has Jamie Oliver's campaign reached this far up the country? But what about your Mum? She always said with a home prepared lunch she knew what you were getting; but she isn't here and… as was evidenced this morning what I throw in boxes is not the same as what your Mum used to prepare the night before. You all ate it though… Oh I'll ask you all in the morning.

Now where was I? Oh yes you kids didn't fail. Paul you helped Evie get ready and Ewan you actually helped me in the kitchen so that when we left the house it looked relatively ordered.

Another success you had was all getting to school on time. I suppose I can claim a hand in that too. Lucy you left in good time and we four just scraped in as the bell rang for the Junior classes to go in. Evie made the line just as Sarah blew her whistle and I was able to hand her my note with my numbers on it as the class all trooped in, and Evie you waved to me.

The dog visit was a success. I passed that. I flew around the house when I got in putting stuff away, well chucking it in each of your 4 bedrooms really as it was ALL your stuff! Anna had already arrived, and let herself in, and she saw to what was left to do in the kitchen so when the door bell rang we were ready. The dog, we really must name her, the dog can move in at the weekend, and she will.

Now I must chronicle my failure. I asked Anna to leave me alone and she did but maybe I should have asked her to help.

I suppose the jewellery part went OK; but then I didn't have to decide what to throw away and what to keep; we are keeping it all. I've even kept the single ear ring that has been missing its partner since Evie was a baby. You pulled it out of your Mum's ear and we never did find it.

Anyway that all got sorted, and the boxes are tidy, and I cleaned some of it up too. I did sort out what was hanging out of drawers and closed them all and I even hung the red dress back in the wardrobe, but then I stopped.

I had a black sack to put stuff in. I opened it but I couldn't do it. How can I consign her life to a bag? A bin liner at that. That's what they did at the hospital; they cut her clothes off her and put them in a plastic bag. I really did try. I told myself that I could take them to the charity shop in town and that Rita would like that. She'd like that someone else would get some use out of her clothes, you all know how she felt about recycling. But when it came to taking the clothes off the hangers and putting them in the bag… I failed. Simple as that. I couldn't do it.

The dressing room is tidy now. Everything is put away and there were some clothes that still had the labels on them and Lucy I put those in your room. I decided that as she'd never worn them maybe you or some of your friends could get some use out of them. I don't know what you've done with them, but when I stuck my head in your door they weren't on your bed where I'd left them, and they haven't been put back in her wardrobe so… I hope I did something right.

I suppose even though I didn't sort out any of her clothes out of the house I did sort them in the house. The room is tidy and I can draw the curtain across it now. Maybe that's a victory; at least I can come in here now and not have to look away from that corner of the room.

Anna was a star. It's hard I don't want her here and yet I do as well. She makes sure I eat and drink. She looks after me and her timing was superb today. She brought me a sandwich and coffee just as it all got a bit too much; she didn't talk but she stayed while I ate and drank them and gave me a hug and left.

Then of course she cooked tonight's dinner. She doesn't ask what to do she just does what she thinks is necessary, and then when Robin comes to collect her I guess she does it all over again at her house. We can't keep on expecting her to do this but at the moment I can't even begin to contemplate coping any more than I am. I expect there will come a day when I will tell her I am ready to go it alone.

There's that word again, alone. I am alone and yet I am not alone as I have all of you. I suppose, when I can answer what alone means to me, I will be ready to move on.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

It's Saturday morning. It's early and I feel the need to write.

We made it through the first week back. No one was late and last night you all did your homework. Lucy you went to your room and I understand that, you needed peace and quiet but I really enjoyed watching Paul, Ewan and Evie do theirs at the kitchen table. It was just so normal; a scene in any house in the city and what used to greet me when I came home from the Studio on a Friday evening.

Your Mum would be cooking dinner and you four would be doing homework. I missed you being there Lucy but it was noisy and you need to concentrate, you were sweet when I bought you a drink and biscuits but even I can recognise Facebook and MSN and said work! You pulled up some pages so I left you to it. I need to trust you.

Saturday

Later today we get the dog.

I'm a bit nervous to be honest, but I promised and we passed the test!

I have to admit to looking forward to walking her to school with you all and if she is well behaved she can come to the Studio with me.

Oh the Studio… I must go back on Monday.

I have appointments booked and Tanya has rescheduled all of last weeks too. If I carry on not going in people will go elsewhere. I am not the only photographer in the city so Monday morning I will drop you kids at school and go on with the dog. I can get her a basket to curl up in by my desk.

-

We now have a dog.

We haven't named her and that doesn't seem to matter at all as she answers to Dog! She even came back when *she slipped* her lead. I have to say I would have run and kept on running of I had been her. Picture it if you will; we are strangers to her and we bought her to a strange house before taking her out for a walk. Somehow she got off her lead. Let's say, for arguments sake… and because I don't want to go over that again that she slipped her lead and ran off. Well what do we do? We all chase after her yelling *Come back Dog!* at the tops of our voices. That's five strangers running after her and yelling at her and she stopped and calmly trotted back to us!

She's in the kitchen now and in her basket and the last time I checked on her she was asleep. There is no indication of the trauma that she suffered but she must have suffered some to have ended up where we found her.

Her notes say she was found abandoned and that is how I feel, abandoned. I know I'm not. I know Rita didn't abandon me but that's how it feels. She went out and never came home. She didn't abandon any of you either she just didn't come home.

The dog was abandoned. I wonder what she thinks about that. I wonder what she thinks about coming here now? I mean we aren't exactly a cohesive group are we? I know we are trying, but we are all grieving and all in different ways and all pulling in different directions, not exactly the best environment for a traumatised dog. But she didn't look traumatised lying asleep in her basket. Maybe just maybe we can make her better and she can help make us better too? Or is that asking a bit too much of a dog?

*Hey dog, you can come and live with us if you promise to make my children stop crying themselves to sleep at night.* Or how about, *Hey dog, you can come and live with us if you can stop me crying myself to sleep at night?*

-

I hate the nights.

The house is so quiet and still.

You're all asleep… Even the dog is; yes I just checked on her again.

It's at night I miss her most. It was now that we'd talk through our days. She'd talk to me about all of you and I'd tell her about what had happened at the Studio and with Tanya. It was never anything Earth shattering. Just the usual chit chat before sleep that couples do. I miss that. I miss her. I miss the phone calls too. I miss calling her at about 4 o clock when you'd just got in from school and asking f there was anything she needed me to pick up on my way home; you know did we need any bread or milk? Mundane stuff; now unless Anna's done it I don't find out that we need bread or milk until I'm home and then it's too late. I suppose there is actually nothing to stop me calling you Lucy and asking you. Would you mind? Something else I need to ask you in the morning.

That's all I seem to do nowadays, I write in here and decide what I need to ask you all or one of you in the morning. It's almost as if I don't know you any more, but of course I do it's just that your Mum did all of that. Your Mum did everything like that with me on the periphery looking in.

Someone should make a list for men of all that their partners do for them and their children. Then that someone should put a price on it per year. Then if I multiplied that figure up by all the years you all won't have a Mother until you are 18 I'd have a figure to give Robin for the compensation claim.

I shouldn't start thinking about that now. If I do I won't sleep and that is hard enough to do right now as it is.

Bloody Shakespeare! To sleep, perchance to dream... And what do I dream of? Yeah… Your Mum.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

The weeks are slipping by and we seem to have fallen in to a routine we can all live with.

Lucy you come and go almost just as before and you seem to be happiest with your friends which I understand.

Paul you seem to want to spend time at the church now, again this is fine, it's not what I thought you'd do but if you find comfort there I won't stop you.

Ewan you just seem normal, we've had a few attention seeking episodes but nothing too dramatic and if that is how you choose to get an extra cuddle from me or your Aunt, Uncle or Granny then I don't have a problem with it.

Evie, my little girl, the baby of our family and so young to have your Mother cruelly snatched away from you; and yet of us all you seem the strongest. You smile, you laugh and yet I know you grieve. You watch out for me and say the simplest and strangest things in such an easy way; the way a young child does simply because you are uncomplicated. If you hurt you tell me and if you are feeling alright then that is evident as well.

For me I am lonely, and I know that I am relying too heavily on Sarah. She has become my anchor through all of this. Every time something goes wrong it is to her I turn. Her number has replaced Rita's as my most dialled and now when I try and think of what Rita's number was I can't recall it but instead my brain screams out Sarah's number, my fingers dance the pattern across my phones keypad that brings her voice to my ear.

-

I've asked Anna to stop coming around. Not that I don't want her here but in equal measure to wanting and indeed needing her here I don't want her here.

How can I hope to maintain a semblance of normality and order in this house if I am never left alone to simply get on with it? I'm sure Anna thinks I was too harsh and maybe I was but she was talking about my losing you Lucy.

You've been lying to me, you've not been going to school and I didn't even notice. When you come home from wherever you've been going to these last weeks I have to task you with it.

I'm now labelled the bad parent. The parent who didn't even notice his daughter wasn't going to school something which I'm sure won't have escaped your attention. But how was I supposed to know? I don't deliver you to school, you're 15 you take yourself and you leave at the right time every day, you have your school bag over your shoulder, you take money for dinner every day since we agreed school dinners were better than the haphazard lunches I was supplying you with. Hell I've even washed PE kit! You come home and complain about homework and you spend hours in your room doing homework; or at least that is what you said you were doing when I asked.

-

I'm in bed now and I don't even know where to begin or even who this diary is for any more. A lot of it is still for you kids but what happened tonight isn't for your ears or eyes yet and I've no idea if it ever will be. Is it too early to hope that one day you will be able to understand and forgive me for what happened tonight?

What happened?

Lucy you came home and I questioned you. Or rather I interrogated you. The education department were right, you haven't been attending school despite your protestation that you were going to lessons and only skipping registration. I'm not that stupid! I know a roll call is taken at the start of every lesson these days.

Anyway I confronted you, you told me I don't care, and that I'm not your Father, and that you want your real Dad and then a short while later you just left. I chased after you after leaving Paul in charge (!) And who did I call as I chased after you? That's right Sarah. I called her to come and be an adult in my house with my children while I who doesn't care about you chased after you. I missed you and for too long a time we didn't know where you were. We called friends until your Gran Beattie called, you'd gone to her.

Before we'd got that news I had taken myself upstairs to the bathroom. If ever a day had got too much since Rita's death today was that day. We don't have a lock and maybe if we had what happened next wouldn't have.

Paul you wanted me to watch a DVD with you, you knew I was losing it in the bathroom and you tried in your own way to help and for that I thank you. You Paul are a source of constant pride to me. You are caring, kind and empathic in the best sense of the word. I remember saying to start without me and I'd be down soon. I never did watch a moment of that DVD with you all.

Someone called up that Lucy was at Beattie's the relief I felt that she was safe was incredible but I was lost in my own moment of grief. And that is when Sarah opened the door to tell me Lucy was safe. She found me sat on the bathroom floor and about to lose control of my emotions. I cried and she held me, she cried and I held her. We both loved and still do love Rita, and we shared a connection in our grief.

As I calmed down I kissed her.

Just a quick kiss, a kiss you might give a friend.

A kiss to say thank you, you were here when I needed someone.

But then we kissed again and again, we weren't kissing as friends anymore but as something else. We aren't lovers but if the house had been empty except for us I think we would have become lovers there and then on the bathroom floor.

I remember we parted and we looked at each guiltily and then the door bell rang.

Saved by the bell.

I got up and left the bathroom to go and see who it was. Paul you had opened the door and it was Matt. Sarah's Matt.

I called up to Sarah that Matt was here, what must Matt think? I was coming downstairs and I called upstairs to Sarah. Then the bloody dog got out and Lucy came home with Anna and Robin.

What do I do about Sarah?

What do I feel about Sarah?

How does she feel about me?

What would Rita think?

What will you and the rest of the world think?

Too soon?

~fin~


End file.
